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Joke Thread

Anything goes - within reason.

Re: Joke Thread

Postby firtrees » Wed Dec 10, 2014 10:02 pm

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby philipdalton » Thu Dec 11, 2014 4:02 pm

I must remember to go to the bank sometime today before I lose interest :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby robg » Fri Dec 12, 2014 10:16 am

dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his sole to santa :Facepalm:
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby robg » Fri Dec 12, 2014 10:17 am

homosexual magician disappered with a puff
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby philipdalton » Fri Dec 12, 2014 2:12 pm

Can anyone think up any decent pop music jokes? I'll start off with three of my own.

1)Which pop group is wanted by the police for stalking? The Shadows
2)Where did The Who get the idea from to wreck their instruments on stage?
They thought they'd try something different to get their big break.
3)Why was Elvis Presley in hospital?
He had third-degree sideburns.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby TheSquire » Fri Dec 12, 2014 4:29 pm

Even by forum standards those are poor!
Keep your booger hook off the bang switch until your sights are on the target.........
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." General John Sedgwick
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby philipdalton » Fri Dec 12, 2014 4:53 pm

There was this eccentric scientist who discovered this special ray which could shrink things, and one day he had an accident in his laboratory which resulted in him being shrunk down to the size of a thumb. One day the librarian saw him on one of the shelves in the library of the university where he worked and he said to her, in this squeaky high-pitched voice, 'I'm trying to get back into everyone's good books again'.

I suppose there's no point in putting 'lol' smilies on that one as probably no-one will think it's funny.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby nickhornet » Fri Dec 12, 2014 5:54 pm

philipdalton wrote:There was this eccentric scientist who discovered this special ray which could shrink things, and one day he had an accident in his laboratory which resulted in him being shrunk down to the size of a thumb. One day the librarian saw him on one of the shelves in the library of the university where he worked and he said to her, in this squeaky high-pitched voice, 'I'm trying to get back into everyone's good books again'.

I suppose there's no point in putting 'lol' smilies on that one as probably no-one will think it's funny.


:Facepalm: :Facepalm: :Facepalm: :Facepalm: :Facepalm:
SIGILLUM MILITUM XPISTI


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Re: Joke Thread

Postby philipdalton » Fri Dec 12, 2014 6:47 pm

How's about a few jolly sc-fi jokes to liven things up a bit.

1) 'Knock knock'
'Who's there?'
'Doctor'
'Doctor Who?'
'The Doctor who's a little bit mentally re-TARDIS'.

2) The next actor to play 'Doctor Who' should undoubtedly be none other than David Essex. He could make a rather timid Time Lord; if pursued by an aggressive looking alien he could suddenly grab hold of his assistant shouting 'For goodness sake; hold me close, don't let me go, oh no!!'

3) A flying saucer landed on Earth one day and this alien walked out looking like a cross between a human being and a crocodile. A great crowd were gathered outside around, including plenty of paparazzi from the TV stations and newspapers. As the alien stood there, they suddenly all went silent, waiting anxiously for its first words.
Suddenly, it spoke. "Me and the rest of the crew from this flying saucer, as you people like to call it, come in peace....Eeeh heee!" The crowd all turned to look at each other and then looked back anxiously at the alien. "We want you to take us to your leader..... Ow!" By now a lot of the crowd were beginning to look a little puzzled. "Our own planet has become uninhabitable, and we would like to request the privilege of living amongst your people, or if not that, we would like to request your help in setting up separate communities on this planet...Ooh hoo!"
A cameraman towards the front of the crowd jumped at the chance of replying to the alien's request. "Yes, we will take you to our leader, and you can make those requests to him, but first there's just one question we'd like to ask of you".
"Oh yes", said the alien, and what is that...Ow!"
"Where did you learn to speak English from?"
"From listening to Michael Jackson records".

4) Another flying saucer landed on Earth as well, and this time a really strange looking alien walked out of it with a turquoise face, orange arms, yellow hands, blue legs, red feet and a bright green head. It said 'We have learned to speak your language from studying your radio and TV signals. We have come to your planet as part of a mission to end prejudice against coloured people'.

Well, what did everyone think of that little lot then?
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby firtrees » Sat Dec 13, 2014 5:42 am

A starving man went into a truck stop for a meal. He was nearly broke so he studied the menu carefully. At another stool an old man sat staring down at his bowl of chili. As the minutes ticked by the old man didn’t move, he just stared at the chili. The starving man eventually asked if the old man was going to eat the chili and if not if he, the starving man, could have it? Saying nothing the old man pushed the bowl over in front of the starving man. The starving man dug in with a large spoon and started eating. He gorged himself. Two-thirds of the way down he found a dead mouse. He gagged and puked the soup back into the bowl. After a while the old man looked over to him and said, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got too.”
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Andy.I » Thu Dec 18, 2014 7:45 am

Bagpipes

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Killiecrankie area.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."







Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
"Everything not invented by God is invented by an engineer." HRH Phil the Greek.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Haggis » Sat Dec 20, 2014 11:52 pm

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Re: Joke Thread

Postby bedwards1966 » Sun Dec 21, 2014 1:15 pm

:thup: :thup: :thup: :thup: :thup: :thup:
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby libensvolenspotens » Mon Dec 22, 2014 12:32 pm

Ed Milliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.



The teacher asked Mr Milliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.



So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'



A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'



'Incorrect,' said Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'



A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'



'I'm afraid not', explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.



The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband searched the room.



'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'



Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other Labour MPs was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'



'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'



'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby libensvolenspotens » Mon Dec 22, 2014 12:32 pm

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt
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